How we clean records in Texas

Listen, folks, vacuums are for floors! Steam cleaning is for refineries! Down here when I buy me a used record, I spit on it a few times and wipe it off with my sleeve. Works real good. My buddy Randy does somethin' different--he has his dog Rambo lick the record clean! Now, it ain't easy to train your dog to do that. Randy says he used to rub some deer meat on the record (this was after we been huntin'), but now that ol' dog, he like the taste of vinyl. Sometimes Randy come home and find records scattered all over kingdom come, but they're right clean. And lemme tell you, you can't do this with a little dog. One of them chihauhaus'd take all day to clean a record. (Rambo's a big ol' dog.) And I can tell you, don't try this with no cat, neither. They got tongues rough as toad-bellies. I tried it with this ol' alley cat that comes around, and he darn scratched up my Knapperbusch Decca LXT Bruckner Third somethin' fierce.
Y'all must come from one of the poorer suburbs. In the oil patch we never clean our records, when we want to play one we just open another factory sealed record and play it - once.
> Why not use the washing machine on the front porch?

That stays busy washing the smell off of the Yankees streaming into town.
Who said anything about Yankees? We hate them in Pittsburgh too! Man are you Texans mixed up. The Yankees are in New York-they don't clean records either, just steal them from others.
You Pittsburgh-ers don't know squat! A "Yankee" by defintiion in Texas is anyone who lives north of Dallas (sorry but yes that includes Atlanta, Nashville and Chattanooga, but we give Birmingham a break), west of El Paso or in Florida from October to April.