How we clean records in Texas

Listen, folks, vacuums are for floors! Steam cleaning is for refineries! Down here when I buy me a used record, I spit on it a few times and wipe it off with my sleeve. Works real good. My buddy Randy does somethin' different--he has his dog Rambo lick the record clean! Now, it ain't easy to train your dog to do that. Randy says he used to rub some deer meat on the record (this was after we been huntin'), but now that ol' dog, he like the taste of vinyl. Sometimes Randy come home and find records scattered all over kingdom come, but they're right clean. And lemme tell you, you can't do this with a little dog. One of them chihauhaus'd take all day to clean a record. (Rambo's a big ol' dog.) And I can tell you, don't try this with no cat, neither. They got tongues rough as toad-bellies. I tried it with this ol' alley cat that comes around, and he darn scratched up my Knapperbusch Decca LXT Bruckner Third somethin' fierce.
You Pittsburgh-ers don't know squat! A "Yankee" by defintiion in Texas is anyone who lives north of Dallas (sorry but yes that includes Atlanta, Nashville and Chattanooga, but we give Birmingham a break), west of El Paso or in Florida from October to April.
In Pittsburgh we actually hate Dallas more than we hate Cleveland (that's just in good fun). How many rings do you guys have now?
Grimace, you win, my friend...ya'll in Pittsburgh 'd be way ahead of us folks down here when it come to record cleanin' technology. Y'all've clearly harnessed the power of wild critters more'n anybody I did ever seen.
Dont know about yalls cleaning ding but was able to come up wit some fine vinyl in Texass last week. For Ever Young Recotds and dang da darn dings looked like da wer cleanded alredy tooo shaa.

Thanks for the good humor its needed in these days and times we need more of dat.
> This is hilarious. Hey, you might try giving your dog a
> Bud Lite before the cleaning. I bet the alcohol will
> put some sparkel in the highs.

what alcohol ?