Post Script: (Jack and the turntable)

Jack is still alive.  Some remedial steps have been taken.  He thanks those that supported him and says he is a Maine Coon and can't help himself.  He cringed at suggestions of duct tape and microwaves (insert happy cat emoji here).  I caved and replaced the Karat with a "new and improved" Karat (sometimes, I find, ignorance is bliss).  I started a new post because I wasn't sure how many of you might read it but I greatly appreciate the input and, as several have mentioned, some spectacular commentary.  What a great group.  Thank you.

Jack's caretaker

A talking Maine Coon's beauty and awesomeness will trump a new cartridge anytime.....