Your top 3 comedians

Emo Phillips
Mitch Fatel
Kathleen Madigan

Peter Sellers
Harpo Marx
Spike Milligan

Thanks for that classic, Mattybumpkin! In my mind, there's Rodney, and every other comedian who ever lived is just playing for second place.

A hooker told me, "Not on the first date."

I told my doctor I wanted a vasectomy, he said, with a face like mine, I don't need one.

I told my kid, "Someday, you'll have children of your own." He said, "So will you..."

Last week, I noticed my gums were shrinking. Then I realized I was brushing my teeth with Preparation H.

My wife isn't too smart, you know. She has to reach into her bra to count to two.

The other night my wife woke me up saying sexy things. I looked over, and she was on the phone.

My dog watches me in the bedroom, he wants to learn how to beg. I told him to watch my wife so he can learn how to roll over, and play dead.

I told my doctor I swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills, he said, "Go home and have a few drinks, and get some rest."

I'll second Trelja's Rodney Dangefield (good call Joe).
I'll add:
Steven Wright:
"I just put skylights in my living room. My upstairs neighbors are really mad"

"I went into a diner. The sign said breakfast served any time. I said fine, I'll have eggs in the 17th Century"

"I put instant rice in the microwave and went back in time"

I also like Sam Kinison and Lewis Black

Joe, you just knocked one of my top three! Steven Wright is one of the funniest comedians ever. DEFINITELY moves into my Number 2.

For me, like Rodney, I laugh so hard at his standup, I can't even remember what the jokes were. That sampling of jokes you have graciously provided to us is incredible.