"Groucho Marx One-Liners
Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?
I have nothing but respect for you and not much of that.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Room service? Send up a larger room.
Those are my principles. If you dont like them, I have others.
He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot, but dont let that fool you. He really is an idiot.
I never forget a face, but in your case Id be glad to make an exception.
A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five!
From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend to read it.
You know I could rent you out as a decoy for duck hunters?
Youve got the brain of a four-year-old boy and Ill bet he was glad to get rid of it.
Why should I care about posterity? Whats posterity ever done for me?
Why, Id horse-whip you if I had a horse.
Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas, Ill never know.
I must say that I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a book.
Ive had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasnt it.
If I held you any closer, Id be on the other side of you.
I must confess, I was born at a very early age.
I dont care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
(taking someones pulse) Either hes dead or my watch has stopped.
Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!
Well, art is art, isnt it? Still, on the other hand, water is water! And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now, uh, you tell me what you know.
Marry me and Ill never look at another horse!
I married your mother because I wanted children. Imagine my disappointment when you came along.
Whatever it is, Im against it.
Outside of a dog, a book is mans best friend. Inside of a dog, its too dark to read.
Quote me as saying I was misquoted."
Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?
I have nothing but respect for you and not much of that.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Room service? Send up a larger room.
Those are my principles. If you dont like them, I have others.
He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot, but dont let that fool you. He really is an idiot.
I never forget a face, but in your case Id be glad to make an exception.
A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five!
From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend to read it.
You know I could rent you out as a decoy for duck hunters?
Youve got the brain of a four-year-old boy and Ill bet he was glad to get rid of it.
Why should I care about posterity? Whats posterity ever done for me?
Why, Id horse-whip you if I had a horse.
Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas, Ill never know.
I must say that I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a book.
Ive had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasnt it.
If I held you any closer, Id be on the other side of you.
I must confess, I was born at a very early age.
I dont care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
(taking someones pulse) Either hes dead or my watch has stopped.
Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!
Well, art is art, isnt it? Still, on the other hand, water is water! And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now, uh, you tell me what you know.
Marry me and Ill never look at another horse!
I married your mother because I wanted children. Imagine my disappointment when you came along.
Whatever it is, Im against it.
Outside of a dog, a book is mans best friend. Inside of a dog, its too dark to read.
Quote me as saying I was misquoted."