Vindication at Last!

Golden-eared audiophiles world-wide are rejoicing over a study published today that finally vindicates their insistence that digital audio is simply unlistenable.

After a lengthy and extensive investigation lasting nearly five years, the New Yorke Times is reporting that in an effort to reduce costs, most well-known recording labels have for years been purchasing counterfeit zeros and ones from disreputable suppliers in countries such as China, North Korea and Kazahkstan. Often disguised as Bitcoin mining operations, it has come to light that the true purpose of these clandestine facilities is to pump out prodigious quantities of cheap, substandard binary digits.

In some cases, as many as 67.3% of these digits were out of spec, sometimes deviating by as much as 17.1 - 31.7% from accepted values. Examination of the digits using scanning tunneling electron microscopy revealed zeros that were out of round, ones with wavy edges, and an abundance of general fuzziness incompatible with industry standards.

Enterprising audio firms have already jumped into the fray to offer reference-quality digits (in some cases cryogenically treated) for as little as $1 per megabyte, which means that the average CD can be restored to pristine quality for around $500—a small price to pay for excellent sound.

Reached for comment, one highly placed record industry executive refused to discuss the matter, remarking that today might not be an appropriate date to debate such a highly charged issue.