What should I look for when purchasing a quality album?

@lewm  Don't you know that all records are very valuable now?

Seriously I  agree on value. I'm not sure I have ever used their value as a guide. But their grading scale is very good. Of all the used albums I bought back in the early 2000's, I made one bad purchase. The records had been well cared for and looked VG+-NM. I then learned about groove damage and how it sometimes goes unseen. I think I even payed $3-$4 apiece for them. That was expensive back then. I'm so glad I got back into vinyl early on before the resurgence. 

thankfully we learned that I am the only slob here, still - I am not sure I would touch thecarpathian's anally inspected items

My dad was a proctologist, so I'm cool with it.

Every year I attend the Capitol Audio Fest, and I usually buy 8-10 LPs from my favorite vendor, at prices up to $20 but usually about $10 each. However, the experience gives me the chance to see what is being asked for some LPs I already own. It gives me the (false) impression that my 3000 LPs must be worth $15-20K, at least. Even that amount would average out to only $5-6 per.  I am realistic enough to know that no one is ever going to pay that much.

I have had great experiences with Discogs. A handful of albums were bad and sellers refunded $$ without even asking for the album back.  Tracking Angle is a great source for classical if you like classical. LOTS of great reissues from Mofi, Analogue Productions, Speakers Corner, as others have said. I have also found good albums on eBay, but you have to check the seller.  At some time, you will need to invest in a record cleaning machine. I have an ultrasonic one from Cleaner Vinyl that is about 10 years old. Still works fine. There are many record cleaners out there, and that would be a whole different thread :-) Enjoy the journey. 

Glad I could be the butt of your jokes...

Say lewm, think I could borrow that record cleaner..?