Mr. Consumer: 'Ello, I wish to register a complaint.
(Toshiba does not respond.)
Mr. Consumer: 'Ello, Miss?
Toshiba: What do you mean "miss"?
Mr. Consumer: I'm sorry, I have a cold. I wish to make a complaint!
Toshiba: We're closin' for lunch.
Mr. Consumer: Never mind that, my lad. I wish to complain about this format what I purchased not half an hour ago from this very boutique.
Toshiba: Oh yes, the, uh, the HD-DVD player...What's,uh...What's wrong with it?
Mr. Consumer: I'll tell you what's wrong with it, my lad. 'E's dead, that's what's wrong with it!
Toshiba: No, no, 'e's uh,...he's resting.
Mr. Consumer: Look, matey, I know a dead format when I see one, and I'm looking at one right now.
Toshiba: No no he's not dead, he's, he's restin'! Remarkable format, the HD-DVD player, idn'it, ay? Beautiful features!
Mr. Consumer: The features don't enter into it. It's stone dead.
Toshiba: Nononono, no, no! 'E's resting!
Mr. Consumer: All right then, if he's restin', I'll wake him up! (shouting at the HD-DVD player) 'Ello, Mister HD-DVD Player! I've got a lovely fresh Blu-Ray disc for you with the latest Hollywood movie...
(Toshiba hits the power button)
Toshiba: There, it moved!
Mr. Consumer: No, he didn't, that was you hitting the power button!
Toshiba: I never!!
Mr. Consumer: Yes, you did!
Toshiba: I never, never did anything...
Mr. Consumer: (yelling and hitting the player repeatedly) 'ELLO HD Player!!!!! Testing! Testing! Testing! Testing! This is your nine o'clock alarm call!
(Takes out of the Blu-ray disc and thumps it on the counter. Throws the HD-DVD player up in the air and watches it plummet to the floor.)
Mr. Consumer: Now that's what I call a dead format.
Toshiba: No, no.....No, 'e's stunned!
Mr. Consumer: STUNNED?!?
Toshiba: Yeah! You stunned him, just as he was wakin' up! HD-DVD Players stun easily, major.
Mr. Consumer: Um...now look...now look, mate, I've definitely 'ad enough of this. That format is definitely deceased, and when I purchased it not 'alf an hour
ago, you assured me that its total lack of media content was due to it bein' tired and shagged out following a prolonged squawk with Sony.
Toshiba: Well, he's...he's, ah...probably pining for the fjords.
Mr. Consumer: PININ' for the FJORDS?!?!?!? What kind of talk is that?, look, why did he fall flat on his back the moment I got 'im home?
Toshiba: The HD-DVD Player prefers keepin' on it's back! Remarkable format, id'nit, squire? Lovely features!
Mr. Consumer: Look, I took the liberty of examining that format when I got it home, and I discovered the only reason that it had been getting along was it was so cheap in the
first place and was that it had been almost GIVEN away.
(pause)
Toshiba: Well, o'course it was almost given away! If I hadn't given it away that Sony would have nuzzled up to those customers, and VOOM! Feeweeweewee!
Mr. Consumer: "VOOM"?!? Mate, this format wouldn't "voom" if you put four million volts through it! 'E's bleedin' demised!
Toshiba: No no! 'E's pining!
Mr. Consumer: 'E's not pinin'! 'E's passed on! This format is no more! He has ceased to be! 'E's expired and gone to meet 'is maker! 'E's a stiff! Bereft of life, 'e
rests in peace! If you hadn't given 'im away 'e'd be pushing up the daisies long ago! 'Is features and processes are now 'istory! 'E's off the twig! 'E's kicked the
bucket, 'e's shuffled off 'is mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleedin' choir invisibile!! THIS IS AN EX-FORMAT!!
(pause)
Toshiba: Well, I'd better replace it, then. (he takes a quick peek behind the counter) Sorry squire, I've had a look 'round the back of the shop, and uh,
we're right out of formats.
Mr. Consumer: I see. I see, I get the picture.
Toshiba: I got a slug.
(pause)
Mr. Consumer: Pray, does it talk?
Toshiba: Nnnnot really.
Mr. Consumer: WELL IT'S HARDLY A BLOODY REPLACEMENT, IS IT?!!???!!?
Toshiba: N-no, I guess not. (gets ashamed, looks at his feet)
Mr. Consumer: Well.
(pause)
Toshiba: (quietly) D'you.... d'you want to come back to my place?
Mr. Consumer: (looks around) Yeah, all right, sure.
