@n80, you've discovered the main failing of electronic drums, that of dynamic graduation. Don't worry about that for now, there's nothing to be done.
Excellent advice from shadorne, the George Stone book is the standard. He also brought up the wrist, which is SO important. You can spot an untrained drummer a mile away by his use of the elbows as his "fulcrum" rather than his wrists. "Snapping" your wrist creates a much more "percussive" sound than playing from your elbow (the snare drum really "Pops!"), plus will allow you to play with less effort. Sure, you can raise your arm up high and slam it down to play louder, but snap your wrist just as the stick approaches the drumhead. It makes a huge difference in the sound produced: much more "attack", even if the SPL created is equivalent.
While I'm here, a musical tip: Everybody learns by watching and listening to others, and some things we do, we do so without thinking of the "why". We play things simply because we have learned "That's how you're supposed to play". It wasn't until I heard Levon Helm's playing on the first two Band albums that I realized one doesn't have to do what every other drummer was doing in the late-60's: hitting a crash cymbal at the end of EVERY fill. Levon didn't unless doing so served a musical purpose, just one piece of musical wisdom I learned from The Master. I then noticed the same was true of my favorite studio drummers: Hal Blaine, Jim's Gordon and Keltner, Roger Hawkins (who plays a killer press roll, which he uses brilliantly), Al Jackson, Earl Palmer, other greats.
The better the musicians, singers, and songwriters you are working with, the more they will notice and appreciate not just what you do play, but what you don't. The number one complaint about drummers is over-playing. Play in service to the song, the singer, and the other instruments, and you will be in demand.