Craig,
I'm sure glad to read of your return to posting in this thread. I have missed your seasoned tube knowledge during the time I was making my move into a Supratek, after trying a few others. But, what I really missed most is your clever wit. Every time I read that you remain Clueless made me get a smile on my face. J.D. said it pretty well. Please stick around.
Aggielaw,
I've run the eating and drinking problems past my doctor as well as a nutritionist/dietician at the tumor institute that continues to care for me. I'm pretty well convinced that something could be done to help some but not by way of diet. The correct type of steroid may be of some help. My abdominal environment lacks free space. The last CT scan showed a blanket of mass attached to my abdominal lining. It appeared to me to be everywhere and spooky thick. I would be curious to see another CT scan but figure it would just confirm what I've experienced before. My stomach has been the same way, very thick top to bottom. When I say thick I'd judge that we're honestly looking at tumors around 1 1/2" thick. Certainly by now other places that showed small tumors previously will have grown. The stomach and intestines move around quite a bit moving things through it. The tumors aren't muscle and don't want to move. They squeeze the rest of the undiseased parts when they want to move and all this friction causes a build up of fluid inside the abdominal cavity adding to the lack of space. Steroids would reduce the inflamation and maybe allow the body to absorb some of the fluids and free up some space. Honestly, I look at this as a mechanical thing. The question really boils down to: is this something Lugnut wants to fix? I'd like to think I'm wrong on my perception about helping these types of things. It's hard to write about. Not because it hurts me emotionally but because it takes a concentration on my part (that's hard to do these days) to explain fully what I've come to believe. I'll try here because I think it's important to the audience if at some point they find themselves in a similar position.
Most countries probably wouldn't have elected to preform the surgery last January that was done to me. (Sorry if this reads a little choppy but it wil be worth your effort to try and get through it) At that time I was approaching a total system blockage. Left untreated I would have died in fairly short order by lack of nutrition and hydration. I was vomiting more than you can possibly imagine, nearly a full time thing. Many illnesses that are easily treated world wide, but due to poverty aren't, kill the young and elderly in this fashion. In the scope of total misery experienced this would be a much more friendly way to have gone than what awaits me now. I wasn't in much pain back then and would have just gone unconscious at some point and faded away. I've extended my life by the procedures that have been used and I've tried to take advantage of every extra moment. It has been worth it but now it's time to pay up on my end with a different way of death. I have this deep belief that anything I do now to aleviate symptoms will only add to the total misery of the trip. If I do something to eat and drink a little better, the cancer isn't going to halt its prgress. If I do well enough then I'll certainly have a blockage of the bile duct which is major crisis time. Bile backs up into the liver and causes uncontrolable pain while the liver is destroyed. This takes about two weeks. The small tumors in my lungs will just get much bigger and put pressure on nerves that are beyond sensitive and I would stuggle for breath. If I slip into unconsciousness due to lack of nutrition or water before these things occur then I kind of think it would be kinder to me to just let it go.
I'm a pretty strong guy in a number of ways. I've always healed quickly and have a high tolerance for pain. I also have been able to put issues I write about here out of the normal plane of existance. It's kind of like a properly set up vinyl system and surface noise. You're not aware of it because it seems to be out of the room. The thing that has come through loud and clear is that deep inside a process is happening that is out of your control. I've mentioned before how things fall off my radar. I'm not as interested in a lot of stuff today that held a lot of interest for me just a couple of weeks ago. There are a lot of things that I could miss now that we take for granted on a daily basis. For the most part I no longer miss them at all. Something that resembles normal eating, drinking, taking a comfortable bowel movement, vitality and endurance have been taken by the disease. Other things, most notably sex, have been taken away by drugs. I can still remember enjoying all the benefits of good health but I just don't miss them enough to really care.
I could easily allow myself to fall into a rountine of laying in bed and having Hospice and Barb take care of me. A large part of me wants to do exactly that. I'm doing this mental heavyweight fight of continuing on with a select few things as opposed to giving up. At some point the disease will win and my body and will to live will have been beaten. That is the nature of a prolonged death. I witnessed it with my father when he too died of cancer. It is normal.
I'll give you my short list of things I want so desparately to continue until I take my last breath. Closeness to Barb. Communicating with this group through this thread. Closeness to select friends. Enjoying my music. The list has subtle aspects to it that I'm not going to elaborate on like my little gene pool. I've left them out but they are in there. Other things too.
Here's a great example. Two friends recently brought over a total of three music DVD's for me to watch. Eric Clapton's Crossroads guitar festival, Bob Dylan Unplugged and Neil Young's Praire Wind. Normally I would have watched these several times by now as these, IMO, are some of the best, at least for my taste. Sadly, I have zero interest. That's because I have only so much interest to spread around. Barb is off work today and we'll put them in but my attention will be at the background noise level. That's all I can give.
I chuckle at my attitude about all of this. Should I even think for a nanosecond that I can direct where my attention is going to go when It's obvious the process is in control and not me. It's like Star Trek and the Borg. Deep down I think that resistance IS futile. I hope what I've written is somewhat understandable because this is one valuable thing you guys can take away from this and make your lives better. This is not giving up. It is what (and I stole this term from someone I'm grateful to. Thanks, Paul) I call gentle acceptance. This particular post is important enough that I'd like to think you guys will save it to a word document for future reference.
Last night a local friend came by for me to listen to some CD's of his. He came at seven and left around 9. Just prior to his arrival another friend just showed up unannounced. I have no problem with that but it screwed up my schedule and I didn't get to eat a bite (literally) before my CD bearing friend arrived. Barb gave me some food right after he got here and during the visit he ran the CDP and I just remained seated. I felt pretty good. When he was leaving I asked if he would give me some advice on some classical CD's I have so I'd enjoy the better ones and save the lesser ones for a later audition. I don't have all that many CD's, maybe a total of 30 and I keep them leaned up against the wall next to the CDP. I bent over to scoop them up and instantly realized I'd done something my body didn't want me to do. We quickly went through them and I told Barb she'd just have to put them back for me, that picking them up was a mistake. Suddenly my stomach had a sharp pain and my mouth watered just a little. I had to excuse myself to go vomit. Consider that this was a total intake of maybe three normal bites of halibut and ten small french fries. I can't just puke and be done with it. No, it must last a very long eye buldging time trying to get up more of what's not there. It's a space thing triggered by the act of bending and putting extra pressure on that confined area.
This is an accurate picture of what this is like but don't take the mental image too far. I plan on hanging up an embroidered banner my sister made for me that quotes Rust Never Sleeps...It's better to burn out than to fade away. It's a cool banner especially since she put my 1/16 note arm tattoo, mirror imaged, on each end of the quote. I won't be hanging them myself but allow Barb or someone else to. Doing this kind of thing would make me puke even if I don't eat. I will get myself cleaned up today as I have some vistors coming again. I always feel much better when I interact and still enjoy music, especially recent vinyl. Each day still gives me pleasure and I honestly try to take advantage of it. I must admit though that it takes a lot of effort on my part to prepare for those pleasures. Man, it's like packing for a trip. All my ducks need to be in a row. I don't want to look worse than I feel so I need to somewhat stay on top of my appearance. That stress is self-induced since nobody really cares one whit except me. Man, if I let myself go I'd really be spooky around Holloween. LOL. I'd do this for no other reason than Barb. She always looks so nice for me.
I've rambled on enough. I may post some thoughts I have on our passion of audio but fear that what I have to say may not be taken properly. Being vague and evasive with a comment like that may bring you readers back.
Each of the posts that get the pleasure to read mean a great deal to me. I enjoy the company here and find each morning that I check in to be one of the high points of the day. Have a good one!
