I receive a great deal of comfort from you guys. Probably much more than you realize. Since this thread began I have had mixed emotions about my good fortune contrasted with so many people out there with little or no support in similar circumstances. I'm a very lucky guy.
I think I'm beginning to get a grip on my emotions. I'm simply grieving in advance for losses that won't matter one whit when they occurr. My love for family, friends and music define who I am. To an extent they define what I am as well, at least partially. A lot of what makes up Lugnut is confined to electrical impulses firing off in a sequence unique to me. My beliefs, feelings, passions, anger, outrage, respect, admiration and perceptions make up what I am and the people and things I love are the fruit growing from those roots. In a perfect life that is nearing its end I would prefer to hold everything I've described above close until I've drawn my last breath. Even in circumstances like mine there are exceptions to the process I'll likely go through and maybe I will be one of the few lucky ones. Sadly, the realization that each and every one of the things I've described will, most likely, drop away one by one while I'm still of this earth.
This process reminds me of a neighbors tree that looses its leaves very late in the year. I don't know what kind of tree it is but it reluctantly gives up its leaves to the season. In years past I've watched this process with humor and amazement, commenting to Barb about the stubborness this tree posesses. Each year, even as new buds are turning into fresh green leaves there is a single dried up, old brown leaf clinging to its branch somewhere near the top. I'm a lot like this tree. I want so much to have all that makes up my life cling to me as stubbornly as I've held onto them in better times. It's through this comparison that I've come to realize that even when my essence cannot hold on the leaves of my life will still cling to me.
You guys are a big part of it. I do know that the most faithful of you will still be a part of me long after I'm gone and this has brought me a great deal of comfort over the last two days. I've known a lot of shallow folks in my life that would ridicule someone like me for daring to compare my life to a tree. The comtempt reserved for that type of person is replaced by sorrow for their hollow lives. I know you guys better than that and trust you to have the insight to grasp the subtle message I've tried so hard to convey.
So, what am I doing now, you might ask? Well, here's how yesterday shaped up. I had the mid-day CT scan followed by a listening session visit of a club member. I had recently assisted him in installing a new cartridge on his old Denon turntable and he was thrilled with what he heard. Another of our club members had urged him to come over and listen to what a modest but well tuned table could provide. I think he was moved and hope that the dormant vinyl library he has is put to future use. Next, a dear old friend of 45 years came by for help terminating his new speaker cables. You see, he has duplicated my system and is now just receiving all the bits and pieces. What a compliment. A blues bar friend and her daughter then came over bearing gifts. Eat your hearts out. I now own the Beatles doll set and bobble heads. The doll set consists of stand up dolls about two feet tall with instruments even with a fifth member of Peter Best, although without stand. Later the friend that I've been building a system for stopped by to fill me in on the construction of his new music room. These are the things Lugnut is doing and I cannot see the pace lightening up. Maybe if I have no time to be sick I will keep this nastiness at bay. Yeah, I know, I'm a dreamer.
Today, tomorrow and all of this holiday weekend will be at this same pace, the high point being Scott turns two on Saturday. I'm pretty certain that he will have a few short memories of his grandpa to live with him later in life. That's my hope anyway.
Whether your posts are as insightful and poetic as what Tobias has written or simply saying you're thinking of me I appreciate every one. You guys honestly make this process much easier than going it alone. Thanks again.
Pat
