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My love of music is killing me.

I have been a music lover my entire life but now at age 51 I just can't listen without falling into a deep depression. My oldest son Devon inherited my love for music and took it even further. By age 25 he was a VERY talented guitar, bass player. We use to take turns playing tracks for each other just to broaden our herizons....but his gone now. I lost Devon 11-27-09 after a 6 year battle with cancer. I held his hand as he passed that night. The illness took everything but his love of music. His right cheek bone, right upper jaw bone, a rib, muscles in his abdomen and back,sight from his right eye...and finally his life....I could do nothing but watch....wishing it was me laying there going through that hell. Its been a year and a half now...his birthday will be next week. He would of been 29. Now when I listen to music I cry instead of smile. May be one day the joy will return but for now there is a hole too large to fill.

Hug your kids....Pease.
dean_fuller
cmalak
681 posts
 
Dean...hang in there. Your Audiogon family hugs you. I wish you eventual peace of mind and hope that with the passage of time, you will be able to focus on the great times you had with your son sharing this hobby and the love of music. It is clear that it's too raw for you right now but hopefully in time, music will give you solace instead of pain. My deepest condolences to you and your family for your loss.
rdavwhitaker
173 posts
 
If you have not done so already, I urge you, as strongly as I possibly can, to seek professional assistance to address your feelings. Your reaction is completely understandable, but with the right help to sort out your grief and work through the pain, I'm betting you can begin to see music in a new light -- as the thing that sustained your son and one of the intangible, beautiful things that make life a gift for which we all should be grateful.

Please -- seek out a professional grief counselor. You do not have to work through this alone.
zenieth
381 posts
 
Hi Dean_fuller,

That's a sad story and many of us have been through heart breaking sadness in our lives. Having lost a child to MD and a wife of 25 years to cancer, I feel your pain. I would like you to know that your loved one would have wanted you to enjoy life and remember all of the goods about them! I'm sure your son was a wonderful talented individual whom loved you dearly. He wouldn't have wanted his father to give up his love for music. I will also share that a year and a half seams like a lifetime. However, as time passes it does get easier. Grieving is a process that isn't the same for every person. May G-D bless you and your family in dealing with the loss of your loved one. You are in my prayers and thoughts during this time of need.
inna
7,296 posts
 
I may sound a little cold but, yes, please allow someone else to share your pain and loss. Part of you wants to die as well, don't let it become too powerful.
Grief counselor would not be enough; if you decide to follow this path you should find a psychoanalytic psychotherapist or psychoanalyst. What you would want from this person requires high qualification.
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