Record-playing Rituals?

New records only. Place on VPI 17 rcm. Tighten center screw.
Spray record with Premier by Microcare. Gently rub with dedicated soft brush as Premier evaporates.
Pour MoFi Plus Enzyme cleaner on record. Spread and gently rub back and forth with dedicated brush.
Let sit for 3 to 5 minutes.
Vacuum w VPI.
Apply reagent grade water through wand on VPI. Rub back and forth with dedicated brush. Vacuum.
Repeat last rinse and vacuum step.
Works great. MoFi or Disc DR brushes work well for MoFi and water. Nitty Gritty brush for Premier. Always rub with grooves not against.
Learned of this routine from one of the most respected guys on this forum. It works very well.
Only one cleaning required if use Furutech Destat and compressed air to remove dust after each play. Keep stylus clean with Zerodust or MoFi #9 stylus cleaner. I know someone who swears by Magic Eraser for stylus cleaning.

I use a StaticMaster brush for dust and static on both my stylus and for my large format film negatives. The StaticMaster comes with a cartridge that's replaceable, don't touch the cartridge!

Run in a circle 5 times, breathing as much as possible through your nose, kind of like snorting. You must be in the center of the listening room. Then go to the bathroom and pee, at least a little. Wash your hands very thoroughly and cue up the record. Sit down and relax, but be wary of foriegn scents.

That's ridiculous, Mechans. You have to be in the sweet spot of the speakers, not the middle of the room. Try it - upon exiting the bathroom, you'll immediately experience a blacker background, and extended, sweeter highs.
What I do is dry-brush before play, (Acoustech Big Brush), and clean the stylus. Unless someone is looking. Then I merely dry brush the record so as not to look too fussy or compulsive.
New or used records get a few spins in the Spin Clean. Repeat every five or ten years.

Beer...friends...volume....repeat.