evo845: your post here is poignant and very sad. first, permit me to say that you are wrong about people abhorring folks in so much pain they can't function normally. you have every right to feel pain, and grief, and anger, and anything else that comes to you. i was confused and depressed, too, when my mom was dying of cancer and my law firm was simultaneously imploding. it was hard to find joy in my kids, my wife, or even my ceaselessly cheerful dogs. my only pleasure was sleep, and that came fitfully, if at all. no one can possibly understand the horror you surely went through witnessing your father's death. nor the overwhelming feeling of unfairness at your mother's dying so young. it took me two years of intensive psychotherapy and the ingestion of several psychotropic drugs to come slowly out of my clinically depressed state. but these therapies worked for me. it took several years for me to admit my condition to friends, let alone strangers. i can now, because that is part of who i am. you've already done a very brave thing in posting your feelings about yourself, even anonymously. i urge you to share your feelings with others who can help you, if you haven't done so already. you are not alone. too many, in fact, feel as desperate as you. i will be happy to communicate with you privately, if you care to. best wishes, evo. -kelly