Swampwalker,
You really did it now by sending that speedo via Fedex. An inspector from TSA noticed a foul smell coming from your package and alerted Homeland Security and, since it was considered 'mail', the FBI was called in too. After their crime lab analyzed your speedo, they classified it as a potential Weapon of Mass Destruction (WMD)which has now gotten Fema and the Center for Disease Control (CDC) involved. To further complicate natters, all this activity has piqued the interest of foriegn spy agencies.
They called your speedos a serious 'game changer' and told the President that the fate of the world's balance of power was in jeopardy. They decided to let your package be delivered in the hopes of snaring all these spies who were also after this new diabolical weapon. I was captured and held at gunpoint by some of these spies who were waiting for the package to be delivered so they could make off with it. I was unaware that I was being used as bait in this high stakes sting operation. As we were waiting, I overheard some of the spies' comments, here are a few I recall:
Boris (Russian spy): "This Swampwalker speedo makes Chernobyl look like spilt goat milk."
Pokeman (Japanese spy): "I'd rather fight Godzilla bare handed than catch a smell of that speedo."
Jacque (French Fashion Police spy): "As I recall, the French mandatory penalty for wearing just a speedo with rollerblades, is several hours of mocking and demeaning comments followed by death. This fashion-challenged idiot is very lucky he's an American idiot."
Abdul (Arab spy): "One whiff of the Devil's speedo will cause mass evacuation from Israel, god willing."
Just in time, the FBI swooped in and captured all the spies. President Obama, after meeting with the Joint Cheifs of Staff, announced that NASA will be shooting the highly toxic speedo into outer space. However, this caused comments and dire warnings from our interstellar neighbors:
Venus: "Please shoot it in Mars' direction, that thing is gross."
Mars: "We little green guys will attack you stupid earthlings with our ray guns blazing if that thing comes even CLOSE to us."
Uranus: "Let's just say that thing smells worse than my name, nuff said?"
Pluto: "We're your furthest neighbor, hundreds of thousands of miles from earth, and we can still smell it from here. Atleast send us a couple million gas masks in size XXXXXXXSmall. Our heads are the same size as your earth cat. And no jokes, brainiacs! We may have small heads/brains and inferiority complexes but we also have the power to destroy your puny little planet with one touch of our fingers, which are actually quite large,especially compared to our small monkey sized bodies."
The Sun: "You shoot that thing at me and, I swear, I'll go supernova."
Way to go, Swampwalker, another fine mess you got us into. I think the world, and galaxy, would appreciate it if you'd lay off the Wild Turkey and buy some normal pants. The Russians would have thrown you in the gulag and turned you and your speedos into a WMD factory. And, do you know what they do to guys in speedos in a Russian prison?
