I've read this book before. A classic. Viz.,
"I am a sick man....I am a spiteful man....But do you know, gentlemen, what was the chief point about my spite? Why, the whole point, the real sting of it lay in the fact that continually, even in the moment of the acutest spleen, I was inwardly conscious with shame that I was not only not a spiteful but not even an embittered man, that I was simply scaring sparrows at random and amusing myself by it."
https://www.gutenberg.org/files/600/600-h/600-h.htm
"I am a sick man....I am a spiteful man....But do you know, gentlemen, what was the chief point about my spite? Why, the whole point, the real sting of it lay in the fact that continually, even in the moment of the acutest spleen, I was inwardly conscious with shame that I was not only not a spiteful but not even an embittered man, that I was simply scaring sparrows at random and amusing myself by it."
https://www.gutenberg.org/files/600/600-h/600-h.htm