Thanks for the encouraging words everyone, both on this thread and in private emails. I know it's not easy responding to the depressing news I dropped in your laps. So, yesterday I had a follow-up visit with my surgeon thinking that our relationship would be ending. It seems that when she operated the method she used to tell the extent of involvment is by feel. Makes sense to me that small tumors can be felt. Anyway, she said that one area of involvment that was most pronounced was in the common bile duct and that whenever I start to turn yellow or feel pain we'll be getting together in a surgical suite again to put a shunt in place. One encouraging, but scary thing she said was that we will likely remove the feeding tube in my intestine and the drain tube in my stomach. The mods she did to my digestive system make it difficult for any tumor to interfere with the passage of food or liquid. Maybe I won't ever need to be pump fed again. I like that idea a lot but the removal is a permanent option that would be gone forever so I told her that she has to make that decision for me. The woman has huge balls and is a real person. She howled when I told her I was still holding out for a massive coronary in the throws of an orgasm. Anyway, she thinks I've got what it takes to make the statistics look silly after all of this is over. I also told her that since she was so good at modifications that she should get herself a good tube system and start studying electronics. Barb and I then went out for Chinese food, came home and fooled around. Now that made me feel like I'm getting better! I guess what made me weaken more than anything else is knowing that my life partner is having to go through this and it's so unfair to her. She deserves so much more. For thirty one years she has indulged my every dream. Never once has she complained when I wanted more, better, different gear. She helped me buy my Harleys. She encouraged me to buy my drift boat and build a trailer for it the last time I was battling lymphoma. She never complained when I spent way too much money and time building my hot rod Nova. When I suggested we move from the comfort and security of our Midwestern home to the uncertain future of living in Idaho just so I could be closer to trout fishing she didn't even hesitate one second. Whatever makes Pat happy has been her goal in life. I'm telling you guys, this woman deserves so much more than than this baptism by fire we're experiencing and my guilt is overwhelming. Sure, I know it's not my fault but still I'm sure you understand why I feel this way. I'm undeserving of the outpouring of support from everyone and all I can do to make up for it is say thanks. There's no way to pay back anyone. The most profound thing I've discovered during this insanity is that it's way easier to love and be nice than it is to be mean and nasty. I wish I could export some of this knowledge to the Mideast, inner cities and to all of humanity struggling with and concentrating on our differences rather than our shared humanity. If only I could, this world would become such a wonderful place in very short order. Perhaps there is a talented person reading this story as it unfolds that can put this whole thing into words to share with the world so that all the kindness here somehow can be passed on.
Pat
Pat