About Lugnut -- Patrick Malone

Pat

I don't think I've ever posted though we have talked often. I think its because I really find it hard to find the right words to describe what it is I think about you and your wife. Chatting last night I was astounded more than ever with your amazing inner strength and peace. Hope you are listening to the new lps today. Take care and hope to talk soon

Gary

A couple of stories that most likely will have little or no meaning to anyone but me but so be it.
As best as I can remember them…….
I had traveled alone to a nearby town to attend a concert that none of my friends were interested in. I arrived a little early so I decided to go to a bar that was fairly close to the venue and knock a few back. As I entered I noticed a woman sitting at the bar and I was struck by her beauty. It was a little hard to see as the years had disguised it some but it was there if you took the time to look. She was sitting with what I took to be her husband and some friends. I settled in and had a few drinks when I noticed her get up and walk down the bar to visit with some people at the other end. When she walked back I happened to glance up and see her chin quivering a little and a tear was rolling down her face. She quietly sat down and her somewhat oafish husband failed to notice. An elderly gentleman sitting close by did and said hey what’s wrong? She looked up her voice quavering and said its just that I heard that Paul’s cancer wasn’t responding any more to the treatments and I just.. .I mean that…. At that point the old man interrupted and said; WHAT, that’s nothing to cry about, nothing at all. I could see she was a little taken back by his statement and so was I for that matter. He said in a tender tone; I would go this minute if I could. Her husband spoke up at that point, barked a laugh, and said no way; you would fight for every second just like the rest of us. The elderly man responded no… no I wouldn’t. At that the husband responded in a loud tone “Bullshit you know you would fight to the bitter end for a few more days of life just like we all would. The old man was quiet for a second then slammed his glass on the bar, stood up, and with eyes of steel and a voice to match, he locked his gaze on the husband and he said no I wouldn’t. You see all my friends have passed, I am the last, I am alone, I miss them, and I want to be with them again. They are waiting for me and I can’t wait to join them. In that moment you could see the measure of the man that he once had been and could still be. The husbands retort sputtered on his lips and he turned away. As I glanced at the wife I could see her smile a little as understanding dawned on her. The elderly gentleman looked back and with a nod he turned away. As he shuffled out the door I noticed a tear running down his face but a smile was on his lips too.

I was watching a documentary on elephants. It showed this herd that was enjoying life in a lush reserve.
Inexplicably the whole herd left the reserve and began a long an arduous journey across a desolate an arid land. The scientists that were studying them were perplexed at why they would do such a thing but their interest was peaked and they continued to film and follow them. After a number of days you could see they were coming up to an old, and long since dry, watering hole. In the distance you could see this little white speck. As the herd got closer one female elephant walked ahead as the rest of the herd held back and followed at a distance. As she got closer to the white speck you could see that it was a tiny elephant skull. The female elephant slowly walked to it and you could she was crying as a tear rolled down her face. She reverently and gently touched every part of that tiny skull with her trunk. It was her son, you see, that had passed away a few years back. She had come to say goodbye to him. All the other elephants that made this long and trying journey silently stood by her as she grieved. With a final toss she flung the skull away and the herd turned around and headed back home to the preserve. The next year they show her with a new baby boy romping with the herd.
The circle continues...

I am not sure why I posted these stories but I think of them often and they never fail to move me.

Still lighting the candles for Lugnut and JD.

I had a couple opportunities to talk to Lugnut today. As always, he has the ability to bring a smile to my face. The first chance, he was so tired he really could not talk, but later this evening we spent some time catching up, and had a great time.

Those of you given to prayer, please remember to mention Pat and his needs, and Barb.

I was thinking even before I read the post by Bin that if I had the choice, I would rather die before my friends. It's hard to be left behind, as anyone who has buried a loved one will attest.

Pat, I respect the way you are leading the rest of us into unknown territory. You know I love you, and continue to remember you in my prayers.

I wish there were words to offer that meant something. I'll talk to you soon!

Holy shit Bin, that had almost too much meaning for me. I hope you continue to post on all kinds of topics. Thank you for pointing out how important love is to those left alone in the end.

I think we need to remember where Barb is on this. When I hugged Pat good by at RMAF as we were all parting for the airport I caught a glimpse of Barbs face. She read me and I read her and both of us had to turn away.

Pat has an angel looking over him but I fear this angel will have the biggest broken heart on earth when Pat passes before her. Perhaps her pain will be worse except for the knowledge of how much her husband loves and worships her.

I really wish I could do something worthwhile.

Faithful friends,

I just woke up from my best sleep time of the day. It's 10 pm and I laid down about 6 or so to nod off. With the sun setting as early as it does now I don't have a clue about what time of day it is when I awake except if the tv is still on. If there aren't infomercials running I know it's before 2 am. This is just one way I measure my day.

I saw the light was still on in the computer room so I came in here to check my mail and, of course, Audiogon. This is also where I find two of the three phones in the house. Barb will shut the ringer off on one phone and lower the ringer volume of the other two and put them in here. She's trying to protect me as best she can but this is also why I missed Albert's call this evening. I feel I can always nod off into another stupor easily enough but she feels that I need my rest. I can't stop her nor would I ask that of her. The poor woman is at a loss trying to help me in some way.

Nate has first hand experience talking with me with some narcotics in my system today. It's a struggle to speak and follow a conversation sometimes. I can only guess what it's like on the other end of the phone. LOL. Maybe this is payback Nate for springing every joke my way in a normal conversation. Now, it's your turn to follow what the hell I'm saying. Har har.

Bin, I'm with Albert in that you need to post more. Great stories that say a lot. I've received many other stories shared privately through email from other audiophooles too. I think these folks might be a little self conscious if they posted this stuff here for all to see. The prevailing veiw in the ol' USA is that certain things aren't manly. Hogwash. Being what we are in this thread together may be the most manly of things we can do. Having depth to our emotions and expressing them openly as we do here dispells the many urban legends of how simple and shallow men are. Of course I see strength in a broadsword and the arm that weilds it. I also see the depth of that strength in a tear shed, or a gentle, helping hand through softly spoken words of endearment. I'm proud to be part of this particular group of men.

Albert, when this thread begun I knew that if I started to post that I could not stop. That wouldn't be fair. All along I've only wanted you guys to take more away from this experience than it takes from you. I just didn't realize then how big a recipient I would be in turn. You understand the impact this is having on my wife and I can tell it's breaking your heart. This very thing is the hardest of all for me to deal with but I'm getting there. It just is. Nothing more, nothing less. I know you desparately want to do something to help me. You already have. We could talk audio since you've helped me numerous times without knowing it through these forums. We could talk about good times together. Phone calls. Tears. The only thing that matters at this time is what's in your heart and you've allowed me to look right into it. Keep calling.

We visited with the in home Hospice foks today. I have no need to begin this sooner than it's necessary. This nurse commented on how easy she thinks I'll be to work with. I wanted to tell her to give me her albums as a gesture of appreciation. Works for me.

Forgive me in advance for some of the stuff I may post later. I figure you need to know what this is like. At this time eating and drinking just about don't happen. I just don't have the room for anything to be in there. Good for me, I'm not hungry or thirsty beyond what I can consume. For the record, I had three or four crackers this morning and maybe a half glass of water total for the day. Later, it all came back up. Hell, this would be a big deal under more normal circumstances but for some reason the body deals with this during disease. I don't even think I'm dehydrated. Weird. I guess the body consumes itself.

Art, you've nailed it mostly. The things that are important in life are exactly what you list. The courage and grace thing is wrong though.

Gary, several local professionals are meeting to discuss the creation of a paliative care team here. I had encouraged my doctor to be a part of something like this and to my surprise it's already begun. Too late for me but I've got some inside help from afar if I need it.

Later guys.