About Lugnut -- Patrick Malone

Pat and I have discussed his hope and faith a number of times. Lest people fear that this thread is going to become some kind of sermon, that was Pats fear. He did not want it to become one. He is sharing the thing which causes him the greatest comfort.

It's easy to ignore the idea of God when death is a theory, but when it changes to reality there are very few who do not hope for an afterlife, and being in good standing with the diety. Pat has faced the reality of his impending death, and realized that if this life is all there is, that there is no purpose to anything. Heaven and Hell give meaning to life, they are not a tranquilizer. I have a huge amount of respect and love for Pat, and I count it among the greatest privileges of my life to have met him and been able to spend some quality time with him. His preparedness to met his future gives me strength,as it does him!

Doug, having gone thorugh the appendicitis, in a foreign country no less, you have my sympathy. It's to bad that we can't live in a world where people are seen as people instead of White/black; male/female; gay/straight. None of those things will matter 100 years after we're dead, why do they have to be so important now?

Thank you Howard;

Doug,

Your story about Paul really makes me angry and sad. I'm angry that there is so much unnecessary suffering because the health care industry doesn't (at times) listen. I'm sad for the suffering. I'm angry and sad that this is added to by the not subtle gay bashing you experienced. Approve or disapprove of your lifestyle is irrelevent because it is not our place to judge. Paul is just too wonderful a person to go through this crap.

Still, I'm amazed by the capacity of many in the health care field to give of their inner selves. I've been lucky. The guy that gave us the tickets is an almost retired emergency room doctor. He's come to my home several times and cried with me. As if he doesn't experience enough of this at work. Gary, from Canada calls regularly, researches my needs and sends me medicines free of charge. My oncologist cares deeply about me and has cried about my situation many times. There are wonderful people helping me and I'm so lucky.

Nice review Howard. Man, I bet you were up all night doing that one handed. Sorry I had to ask but I didn't go. Speaking of which...

The last 48 hours have been a nosedive. In a general sense my complaints are the same but I am changing. Those things I experience like eating, drinking, sleeping and vomiting are all much different now. I am so very tired. I'm sleeping much more than before and don't want to get up unless I must. I think I'm close to turning the corner guys. It's difficult to compose my thoughts and harder yet to type them to you. I very much enjoy reading what you guys have to say so please continue to write. Just don't expect me to write anything.

A package arrived last night while the others were at the concert. It's a morphine pump and I don't know what else. I had received a call yesterday that Hospice may stop by today to hook me up and I suspect they'll come even though I said it's no big deal and they could do it during the day next week. A catheter is in the near future too. I'm looking forwad to both of these things. Isn't that weird? My position is it's okay as long as it makes things easier for me and those that care for me.

Barb is no longer going to work, beginning today, which I cherish the thought of. I just love being near her. While she has agreed to post for me I wonder just how capable she is of doing it. She's a wonderful writer but is kind of insecure about it so it takes her far too long. I just sit and blurt it out. If she doesn't do a good job I know that Nate or Howard or someone else will fill in the blanks for you.

What I'm trying to say is that I fear I'm not coherant. I don't have confidence that I am. I'm just about too tired to even try. I feel I'm in a free fall now. Please don't expect anything and forgive me if I try and then stumble. I know that I can't keep up with returning emails any longer and will not post to other threads and just concentrate on this one. Who knows? Maybe I'll have a small improvement but I think we all agree that is highly unlikely. I'm just trying to explain that the time to continue doing what I am at this moment is growing very short. Please offer up a prayer for me to pass on sooner rather than later. Rejoice whenever you learn I'm gone. I'm axious for this to be over. I only hope you understand. Remember to keep the messages contained in this thread alive and well inside your hearts.

I love you all. Your help has been immeasureable. Keep writing. If I can't get in here to read then the posts will be read to me.

Hi Pat and all:

This thread is something more than a sermon. I'm convinced it has, and will continue to have, a life of it's own. Although Pat is leaving us, and a part of me will go with him, I believe a part of him, his best,.. will stay with me (and us all)....if I'm lucky. I just hope that I can keep my eye on it when he is not here to point it out.

One finds real strength and truth in life where one can. It is a rare and fleeting thing...at least in my life. It sneaks into view between talk of tubes and wire and God knows what other diversions. Usually, I fear, it goes right by me.

I've found it in this thread...as unlikely as that may be. Like many of us, I've had close friends who have died and this thread has tapped into all those unresolvable issues. Pat has added his own unique strength and character to it that I can't even begin to describe or do justice to. One could put many forms around it and call it this or that. Words really don't reach it. It's felt as much as thought. Perhaps that is why so many of us are touched by music.

Thanks for being there Howard, and God bless you Barb.

Craig