Audio - Post Divorce

jmcgrogan: too funny!!!

By the third felony a defendant may be classified as an habitual criminal and faces life in prison. I've been divorced three times.  My attorney friend says I'm an habitual.

@lloydc , I suggest that next time you simply cut to the chase and skip the whole marriage routine.
Go out and find yourself woman who you cannot stand, then just buy her a house. ;^)

lou_setriodes: I've been through each and every one of the things you mentioned.... a MORE!
My passion is music and how it is conveyed to me through my home system. There is nothing or no one, so far, that can make more of a calming. soothing effect to my well being, as what I enjoy in this way.
Maybe, a change will come. Until then, I have the next best thing.

We divorced after 23 years. I drew up the agreement we both came up with including child support amounts. We remain cordial.

What surprised me is how long it took to become myself again, if that's even possible. After a year, I thought I was over it. Same for the following nine years. 

My only advice is take your time and learn to live alone. Ten years later, I'm a good cook, keep a good house, am financially stable, and have an awesome redhead. Had I met her three years ago, we would not have been a good match. 

Sorry for your pain. I wish I had a quick fix for you, but in my case it took awhile. I had fun along the way, but I held off major decisions until the dust settled.

gary

In addition, once in a committed marriage, do not let the little slights go. Discuss them and air them out. Otherwise, those little slights just form another brick in the wall, a wall that eventually grows and becomes insurmountable. At that point, its over.

Over the years of being divorced I've come to the conclusion that no one should get married unless they are convinced that the person they want to marry is their best friend first. If you're in a relationship where you cannot confide your inner most thoughts and secrets without the other side becoming judgmental, forget the marriage and look elsewhere. 

Great thread guys....many funny moments throughout. In my last reply below I just realized my meaning in one sentence is unclear...when I was mentioning that my son is now in college and 'the lazy sod is still not working...', I was not referring to my son's work habits (or lack thereof...) :-) Have a great day everyone!

zephyr24069, what kind of highly intelligent person WANTS to work? Haha.

That being said, now you know why women look so much forward to getting married. Many see it as a form of retirement. Women look forward to marriage the way that men look forward to retirement.

My wife left the workforce for 15 years to focus on "being a mother".
She went back into the work force begrudgingly, blaming me for years!
You just can't do favors for people.

I have 3 sons, ages 25-31, none of which are in any hurry to get married. Who can blame them? Marriage is a custom which seems to have outlived it's usefulness, at least for men.

As one comedian used to say, next time I think of getting married, I'll just skip to the finish line. I'll go find a woman that I really hate, and buy her a house.

"And in case anyone is interested, the x is a dentist, you know, one of those really low paying jobs...."

zavato: I feel your pain,...my first was very intelligent, accomplished and hard-working and after marriage decided that by the age of 31 that 'she had worked enough...' and would focus on being a mother (something I respect) then after the child was in school and age 8-9, got back to the 'worked enough up to the age of 31...' rationale.  In the divorce, I got to hear phrases like 'the lifestyle I allowed her to become accustomed to,...'; suffice it to say it's very expensive :-) to hear such phrases. My son is in college now and the lazy sod is still not working.   Second is showing signs of 'having worked enough...need to travel and find herself...' in her mid-40s,..again, highly intelligent, motivated, driven and hard-working + independent + feminist + not dependent upon men when we met and married.  What a nightmare....

I second Jafant's suggestion and will modify it a bit;

- Music + Stereo + plus good friends and a loyal dog = perfection!

:-)

Music + Stereo= perfect relationship!

Czarivey, you succinctly characterized what I had become- a dog on a leash. I'm not a big booze buyer- I once came home with a $50 bottle of whiskey (which I do maybe twice or three times a year) and boy did I get a tongue lashing, even though 1- I was the sole bread winner, and 2- I make a nice income. But I caught hell for it. Yet when I pointed out that my x spent $125-$150 a month at a beauty salon, and insisted on a cleaning lady 2 times a week, well, I as just being insensitive and harsh. 

My my first marriage did not end because of stereo or hobbies. It didn't end because I spent money on girls, booze or drugs. It ended because I had become insensitive to the increasingly expensive lifestyle my x was accustomed to and was demanding. That and because I had the audacity to suggest that when I was out of work for 3 months following open heart surgery that my then wife should rejoin the workforce instead of me burning through savings to pay for every single household expense when I was recuperating and drawing no income. And in case anyone is interested, the x is a dentist, you know, one of those really low paying jobs. 

But I am not bitter. Better off without that dead weight. I like my new home, and while I did not run out and buy a BMW or a sports car, (ok, I did look at bmws) my system took a quantum leap. And now in the mix of all that, after already divorced, it seems I've actually found a lady more interested in me as a person than someone interested in my wallet. My x would be shocked that such an insensitive and harsh lout as myself could actually be in a good place, and in a good relationship. 

My first marriage ended not because of my stereo or hobbies. I placed it anywhere I wanted to and listened anytime I wanted to. I was simple and stubborn: my way or highway. I simply was not dog on the leash and perhaps never will be. Last few years of marriage I felt I could become aggressive and go physical, but chosen just to walk away.

My second marriage is completely different and I like it went this desirable direction. Perhaps as long as I'm not required to be a dog or any domesticated pet, I'm fine and committed. I'm married to an athlete --Olympic taekwondo medalist and kickboxer who also loves music. So we both love athletics, workouts, active life and music. Most of the time she'd enjoy my 80's new wave collection with REM, Depeche Mode, Matt Bianco, Basia, Sade... Started exploring some progressive stuff such as Ambrosia.

Excellent advice- Douglas.

Amen to that....haven't found one myself yet!

Where are these 50/50 gals??!! I have never met one.
Most of the women I know are 80/20 gals, though some are even needier.

Beware the 50/50 that only uses the word 'My' and 'Me', in front of everything....more often then not, her interpretation of "His Needs, Her Needs..." is actually "Her Needs,...Her Needs"!!! :-) Make sure you have every set of records needed to establish your systems as pre-marital assets in whatever way you can LOL!!!

With women its often a case of finding a better deal . 
 Beware of the 50/50 gal , that's a business deal not a marriage .

Sometimes a spouse just decides to go down a different path. If your spouse has done that, the love bank is already in overdraft.

As I learned later it turned out infidelity depleted the account

I got a good chuckle out of your comment, Buconero, you're right on!

What a great thread.

I am lucky. My wife not only supports my audio hobby, she supports my efforts with our local audio club, she built gorgeous inlaid maple amp stands with Eden footers for our amps and has helped with room treatments, etc. 

When my first marriage ended, the list of "who gets what" started with the audio system on my side. After that, my ex got pretty much whatever she wanted because that's the only way it would even out cost-wise. 

Don't worry guys, you'll all find your music-loving soulmates some day. 

I see the passion, the heartfelt emotion of such threads through the years. It's not often that guys open up like this. Good stuff.  :)

I have been blessed with a good marriage, and I am grateful to God for it. (Please don't rip on my faith, as it is a critical part of MY marriage. I won't preach to you, but I do want to give credit where I believe credit is due.) I have done some reading about relationships and found what I consider a fabulous/important author which has hugely helped us over the past 23 years. His name is Willard Harley, and the first book I ever read of his was entitled "Lovebusters", which has been expanded and reprinted. He has several titles, and another important one for us has been "His Needs, Her Needs". He is a Christian author, but he does not make it the focus of the book; the principles he espouses (pun!) can be used by anyone. 

This was an eye-opener for a guy who had a lot of preconceptions in his twenties. I am convinced that marriage is not the problem, it's how we (men and women) go about marriage than can be the problem. Harley puts the focus on the principle thing, agreement. No agreement, no joy and unity in marriage, and ultimately no love. Compromise and loving negotiation are critical, with an eye toward not hurting one another. I have learned this over time and it is important to the safety and strength of a marriage. (Still not intending to preach, just share my life experience.)

So, applying this to audio, as I see what is healthy for my marriage and love to flourish, I have grown to accept that if my wife was not authentically content with anything I do, audio-related or otherwise, I should not do it. I act with full disclosure and seek her contentment with decisions. If I went ahead against her wishes, I would be withdrawing from the "Love bank," as Harley puts it. I have come to more and more agreement that it is never worth flushing points from the love bank for audio, or any other interest. So, for me, I try my best to seek what is called "enthusiastic agreement," with my wife to preserve our love over any personal goal in audio. 

I hope that you guys who have suffered the pain of divorce heal, and that if you wish, you find love again. :) And enjoy your audio systems! 

Lou,

I needed the laugh...

+1gsm - life is life baseball, just when you are expecting a fastball you get a curve.  Like Bob Dylan says "when you think you've had enough you find out you can take a little more."  

Get a girlfriend (not a wife). Live in separate houses. Buy her a good rig (or two) and keep buying her CDs. Make sure that you own music that she loves. Problem solved.

What a thread. Funny and tragic all at the same time. 

Divorce sucks! Being alone after 35 years of marriage sucks! The way divorce screws up the family dynamic sucks! The hole in your heart sucks! 

On the bright side, 17 years of being single makes one a great cook, a lousy dresser around the house and a music collection that is taking up way too much space. Oh ... and you can sleep with your socks on. 

Being an audiophile came naturally to me as I'm also a trumpet player and an engineer (Linux systems).  Been doing audio since Nixon was prez.  I married a professional violinist.  The bow we bought her a few years ago cost $12,000.  Not the violin.  The violin bow...

My whole rig, which I think is truly wonderful, plus all of my horns, together costs less than her violin bow.

It's easy.  Get a wife who loves music as much as you do and doesn't freak out when you drop $1500 on a tube preamp.  That's all.

I find myself recently divorced. I'm out of a bad relationship, which is good. I am out of my home of 22 years, which isn't good. My stereo system is in my new living room which really is set up to optimize my listening pleasure which is good. And though it was not really my initial intent, since being divorced and on my own, my system has evolved quite a bit and sounds terrific.

I have as yet to embrace hi rez digital, though I have a great DAC and my phone cartridge was is probably about 15 years old. These are things to work on. 

All told, would I prefer my great system or a devoted and loving wife? If I could choose just one, I'll take the loving and devoted wife. But frankly, I don't believe in the choose just one scenario. 

Alas, some girls just can't accept thick cables across the living room floor. Standard disclaimers about audio are worth mentioning going into a serious relationship. Finally, avoid any adult female with a collection of stuffed animals in her bedroom who trys to drag you away from your stereo to Fifty Shades of Grey.

That's worth a lot to hear, may God bless your new union.

I got divorced in the early 70's after 10 years and was devastated especially losing the kids. I couldn't afford a lawyer so negotiated my own property settlement wherein I got the stereo and records and she got everything else. The music got me through it all and helped me come back to the world of the living in time. Every one I knew thought I was nuts for doing it, and they were right. I figured out that good rock and roll, blues, and jazz helped keep me crazy - without music I would go completely sane!

FWIW, We remarried just this past September and music is a big part of our new lives together.

Dave - I now have good listening sessions all the time!

Great! Good to hear that. You're welcome, by the way. :D

Well, it is a good litmus test, if your wife really loves you she, within reason, will want you to be happy.
If the more usual scenario , that you are the best deal she could find, is the case, not so much.

Wasn't married long for before I realized I was the number two music crazy/happy person in the home.
She's behind me, no make that in front of me, when it comes to purchasing anything audio or music related.

My priorities have always been family first. Audio is just a hobby consisting of material things that can be replaced at any time.

Happily married for 31 years. For those who lost a child, I have no words to express my sympathy - that's a tragedy!

Anyone seriously considering marriage, and being an audiophile, needs to put that possible partner to the stress test of audio, like some have already mentioned. Your prospective partner needs to have full disclosure, that your an audio crazy. This per-martial counseling is a must. At the same time, if your prospective partner is female, you need to check out her closet and see how many pairs of shoes she owns. If more then fifty, know that her shoe buying will be in direct conflict with your audio purchases. Consider not moving forward with a marriage.

On the first date with my wife (some 35 years ago), I had her sit down and listen to my system which was composed of Magneplanar Tympanny 1Cs, SAE electronics, a direct drive turntable and an M&K sub. I put on Electric Light Orchestra and turned up the volume to max. I figured if she could handle that, everything else would be 'a piece of cake'. The rest is history!

I can definitely relate. Though I was always able to get whatever audio gear I wanted and put it anywhere I wanted in the house, post divorce I really do appreciate my music more. When I find I have the time to sit in my listening room I feel like I value what I have more. Mentally I am in a very introspective phase of my life and music is my constant companion and counselor like it has always been ever since I fell in love with music when I was around 8 years old. Even though financially I have to budget my audio purchased more I am enjoying this hobby like I never have. It's like time with my kids. I only get to see them 50% of the time but I make sure I appreciate the time I do have 100%.

Two stories ... one happy, one sad ...

Dec 1989 - married, system = Pioneer 636 receiver, EPI 100 speakers, TEAC CD player

Jan 1990 - separated, system = ADCOM 545 amp, ADCOM GTP II tuner/ preamp, Magnavox 630 CD player, KEF Q55 speakers

This is the happy story.

March 2, 2007 - grandson dies at age 7 after fighting bone cancer for two years. Worst day of my life and that includes my being hospitalized for meningitis for 4 months following spine surgery and needing 9 more surgeries, so I could walk without pain.

Never felt that bad going through a divorce.

That is the sad story.

Rich

Thanks Charles & Dave!

Dave - I now have good listening sessions all the time!

Brownsfan - I agree - do not like being alone after married so many years; unfortunately, just broke up with someone who I considered to be the 3rd love of my life. Out of my league hot, fitness instructor & chef - what a combo - awesome food and awesome bod too....fortunately, after 25 years, I've also reconnected with the 2nd love of my life, (also great bod, great cook, and wild in bed) who will soon be ready for me as she is getting separated soon as well.

Ebm & Ozzy - count your blessings, you are truly lucky men and agree Oz that its definitely better not to reveal costs

Schubert - seem to have had a bunch of life's stressors all in a short 6 month period...stress of starting a new job, older brother/best friend passed away, moved out of the home, lost family, separated, and then lost job....luckily when I sold the home last year, I had enough to support me but now play time is over, time to get back into the workforce :)

Thanks for your comments, kind words, and support.

Q. High-end audio gear cost has a similarity to a divorce. So why is divorce so expensive?

A. Cuz it's worth it!!

Only the death of a child can compare with the agony of divorce of someone you loved ,at one time at least.
In some ways a divorce is even worse.

The mourning is there at some level, whether you are aware of it or not. If you brush it aside, the bill will just be paid later, with interest.

Mine too! However, I find it better not to reveal the exact costs...

My wife lets me get anything I'm very lucky.

Lucky you! I stay with my wife for the sake of my system. I don't have the heart to part with her....my system that is.
Though in the long run, I'm sure I would have a lot more listening time, and the background noise levels would be lower, if my wife and I were to part ways. ;^)

this tweak definitely improves experience in audio.

A bad marriage sucks the joy out of every otherwise enjoyable aspect of life. A good wife makes the hardest times bearable. Take some time to rediscover yourself and the world. As time goes on your appreciation for both the finer things and simple pleasures will continue to increase. But in the end,it is not good for man to be alone.

Hang in there. I hope you can sit down and have a good listening session soon.