Best "New" Acoustical Treatment Science Advance

Through the years of collecting audio equipment, buying new speakers, amps, preamps, putting my faith in half-baked irrational and subjective belief systems, as well as partaking in ridiculous band-aid attempts at fixing room acoustics with over the counter room treatments, acoustical engineering design, and bass traps, I finally discovered the one tweak that fixes everything permanently and for good.

It happened to me one day while I was traveling on the byways of Scotland in a little village South of Edinburgh. I wandered upon a farmer and we started up an innocent conversation. The innocent conversation quickly expanded onto the topic of high end audio, and yes, finally of all places, onto the topic of farm animals.

He took me to his little scottish farm house where he showed me his converted barn, now a Shangri-La of HiFi audio. I couldn't believe my eyes! There they were, in the middle of all the extremely expensive HiFi equipment... Farm animals.

I exclaimed, "Why?!?"

That is when the realization dawned on me, and he subsequently explained the genius of it all. The mammalian body is one of the best acoustical treatments on this planet, and best of all, it is completely and 100% natural.

The higher frequency absorption is easily handled by the first tier of hair and skin. The second tier of flesh and bone easily accommodates the mid-bass to mid-range frequencies. The third tier, the sheer girth and heft of the different sized farm animal body shapes easily dismantles the largest wave sizes of even the largest home listening room environments. Best of all, they are 100% mobile, so you can always move a feed trough and manipulate the acoustical treatment environment to sound good for different genres of music or different speakers with anomalous Frequency Response issues.

"Why had no one thought of this idea before?!?" I cried

In truth, they had. For many thousands of years farmers and shepherds brought their cattle to market. I used to believe it was to sell their livestock, but it suddenly occurred to me, and later on it would be taught to me by my mentor, "They weren't selling cattle, they were acoustically treating the public forums for oration and musical events. Those Greeks and Egyptians were musicians first and farmers second, ABOVE ALL ELSE. Why else would they have created the many scales and modes that the Western cultures use as an intrinsic part of our musical vocabulary? Ancient cultures were the original architects of music, and consequently this brilliant idea, but only my Scottish friend still seemed to know and understand the key wisdom and secret learnings required for selecting the absolute best livestock needed to treat audio listening environments. The once common knowledge that was practiced in the open daylight, slowly became secret wisdom passed from master to acolyte in the mystery schools of these ancient cultures, to eventually all but pass from this world, and like the once mighty acropolis, fall by the wayside into decrepit waste.

He explained to me that it had been passed on through his family for generation after generation. When the English occupied Scotland, a very great grandmother in his genealogical line was about to get married when the local Lord came to the proceedings and claimed Prima Nochte. She was seeded by this Lord, who happened to be descendent from an antique line of druid warlocks, and she had a son by him. The Lord took a liking to the little lad and taught him all the secrets handed down from the Egyptians to the Greeks, through the centuries to the Druids, and finally passed down through his own fortunate blood line. This lad was the only living direct descendent of the man I had stumbled upon on that mystical country road that fateful day.

The Scotsman declared to me that he had no heir apparent to pass on his knowledge and if he did not pass it on to someone else, it would be lost forever in the annals of time. He asked me if I would be willing to learn his secret knowledge and use it to benefit all of mankind. How could I refuse such an honorable opportunity to be a spiritual channel for the perfection of music to all of mankind?

I couldn't.

That is why I am here today. Not only to sell you farm animals, but to personally pick them from my vast reservoir of secret and cryptic knowledge. These animals are hand picked at birth and personally weaned to be the best treatments you can buy on this planet.

We have several different treatment types made to accommodate all different kinds of listening environment needs, as well as treatment types to satisfy the deeply personal and/or private needs of the individual audiophile (we carry a "don't ask don't tell" anonymity policy as well as confidentiality agreement concerning special needs consultations - not available in all states and/or countries):

1) The Rabbit Refractor
2) The Rooster Resonator
3) The Helmholtz Hare
4) The Horse Trap
5) The Duck-fuser
6) The Schroeder Swine
7) The Bovine Barrier (for creating artifical acoustical barriers between temporary listening areas)
8) The De-sibilance Sheep
9) More to come as supply permits or special consultation provides...

The greatest part about these products is they are 100% recyclable. When the treatments get old and worn, they are edible and taste great too (disclaimer: depending on what you feed them, they may not always taste great. Usually they will still taste good even at their worst). They are also easily replaceable, so if you drop a speaker on one, replacement is as simple as a phone call, a credit card, and shipping time DIRECTLY to your doorstep.

E-mail or call direct, 1 (800) BAH-HHHH

*(This ad is for entertainment purposes only. Do not E-mail to actually buy one... Bahhhh!)*