About Lugnut -- Patrick Malone

Sometimes I'm struck mightily by the insights offered by you guys. When Artg wrote about his step father I realized that this experience is one he will carry around for a lifetime. Believing as I do that not much of what happens to us is by accident, maybe this thread is a way for all of us to work through such issues for our own benefit. This repreive I'm enjoying is not without its challenges. Yeah, I'm enjoying it a lot. No doubt, it's better to be feeling well than staying on a steadily declining path toward death. The light at the end of the tunnel. Five weeks ago I could see it very clearly and only needed to maintain my emotional strength to meet up and be engulfed by it. Right now, I don't even see that light. I know though that whenever this chemical coctail that is working for me stops doing its thing I will be faced with that light and it will be much closer than I will be prepared for. I know it'g going to be tough to handle, at least for a short while.
As much as I'd like to just get lost in feeling good and ignore the inevitable I can't allow myself to forget. That would make the shock of returning symptoms too hard to handle well. All of this stuff we write about here is simply an excercise in getting to know ourselves better. I don't have time to fart around and screw up with it either or I could easily be like Artg's step dad. For about the zillionth time I repeat, I ain't courageous nor brave. I'm prgamatic. Most of you would be too. Either enjoy today or waste it. Either control the impact on your emotions or be controlled by them. I just can't do it any other way. If you want to see me at a weak moment it will be when the Taxol stops helping. I'll need you guys then more than you realize. It is comforting to know that you all will be there with me, helping to prop up my spine in a moment of weakness. I'll be okay then too, but it will be so much easier because of you. I thank you all from the bottom of my heart for your continiued support. I am a very lucky guy.

Pat, when I read you last post it made me sorry that I am so far away (miles wise) from you. I wish there was something I could do to help as much as you have helped many of us through your posts. We all need eachother in this moment we call life. Heros are made by opportunities, not strong backbones. Your trials have revealed your character to the rest of us! It's easy to be thankful and appreciative when there are no problems, and most of the things the rest of us consider problems are really inconveniences. I assume the praise you recieve is a little embarrassing, but when a person brags about how well they would do under a given circumstance, their foolishness is made obvious by the exampe of those who do bear up well under difficult circumstances, as you are doing.

Thank you for being so transparent, you remain in my prayers.

Nate,

Thanks for understanding. Yeah, I'm a little embarrassed by the praise offered up about bravery. I'd like to think I'd be brave under certain circumstances like saving someone from a fire or drowning (an experience I've had) or from suicide. One never knows how you would react until faced with such events. I do accept your compliment about being transparent in this thread though. Most of the time it requires very little effort since this is the way I am most of the time. There have been things I've written about that took a lot of effort to share with this group. Maybe it's because I fear that some criticism might spring forth as a result. Maybe it's because I make myself feel vulnerable in doing so. I dunno. It doesn't matter. I'm obligated to be totally honest here or else this thread will cease to serve the purpose I think it contains within the talk about me and audio. At the end of the day Lugnut doesn't matter nor does anyones stereo. It's about a greater insight into how we conduct our lives during such a period IF you are lucky enough to have advance notice like I've enjoyed. There are numerous stories in the Bible about wealthy individuals that were faced with the contrast between life being defined by ones possessions and the possessions that really mattered. My "stuff" really has very little meaning even though I can and do enjoy it. What I treasure beyond all material things is the relationships that are a measure of who I am. Stuff is a measure of what I was. This thread and the friends I've gained through it are a gift more valuable than anything I've received in my lifetime. If by being transparent I can help anyone reading this then I've been worthy of the friendships I've gained.

I, too, am a fan of Pat's transparency, but it's the fullness and richness of his tonality that really puts it all in perspective for me (and that's no joke! :-)

Coltrane comps are on the way, among other things...

Thanks Zakesman. Well guys, today was another day of chemo. I suspect this will be as uneventful as the others although I'm not feeling well at all. Barb and I both went to our audio club meeting and ate out prior. Whatever I had didn't agree with me and has carried over into today. Of course, it would help to have a normal stomach! Frankenbelly sometimes misbehaves. The Portland area has its own unique style of food preparation and I hope I can enjoy it fully later this week.

I asked the hard question of my doctor today. That being, "How long on average does the Taxol work?" I was a little bit rocked by his answer of a couple of months since todays treatment marked the two month use of it. Oh well. I'm scheduled for a CT scan next week while Paul is here so we'll see if I can just forgoe treatment until symptoms return. That would work for me. While I feel pretty darn good it is getting old being fatigued all of the time. Maybe without treatments I'll regain some of my vitality. Of course, without treatment the cancer will grow and it uses a lot of calories doing that. Fatigue is an issue for anyone with active malignancy. The doctor thinks there are other drugs we can use after the Taxol. Hmmm. My guess is that the other options might be brutal in comparison. No sense in worrying about it until the time comes.

Since I've committed to upgrading my cartridge I need to do this in a reasonable time. The acoustic treatments need to get done soon also. Steve and I are going to be working on a bi-fold door project at the entrance to the music room. We believe the benefits of doing this will allow the equipment and the room to work together as they should giving me the depth and layering I long for. It's good the way it is but since it can be better, why not?

The Benedryl and the steroids they give me to combat Taxol side effects makes me pretty ripped. Forgive me if this post isn't all that understandable. I have one drug pumping through my veins that wants to put me asleep and another that pumps me up. They are competing with each other and it makes my thoughts go on the dark side. I am concerned about the next drugs that'll be tried. I've got to do this because of two things. One, I must live until at least September. I had elected to double my life insurance when that option came available and it takes effect at the end of that month. Two, I've already done three different drugs now and see no reason to stop trying now. I jokingly mentioned during dinner that I was selecting music for some kind of service in rememberance of me. Barb was glad I was doing so but the look she cast upon me while the tears ran down her cheeks was hard to take. I'd take getting kicked around hard by the meds just to give her some more time to enjoy old Lugnut but the thought that a brutal dose of chemo might not allow me to be enjoyable hurts to contemplate. I know I'm worrying about stuff that hasn't happened. My question to myself is how do I balance the reality of feeling good for now with the necessity of dealing with the enevitable. I cannot allow myself to lose my character. Considering the possibilities of what comes next is a must for me. It's the only way I can keep my feet planted firmly on the ground. I hate it.

I'll be okay. As I said some of this dark stuff is the result of the drugs. Life IS good and today is meant to be enjoyed after I take a nap. Thanks for being there for me.