The effect of the Expanding Universe on turntables

Jonnantais: Your siting the fact that Lencos mantain speed accuracy over long periods of time does NOT invalidate my hypotheses that the expanding universe effects turntable speed. The Swiss were genius enought o realize this effect and took it into consideration when they designed the Lenco. The Lenco's idler is much thinner and lighter weight than other idler pucks, it is less subjected to this continual expansion. The idle's narrow size and small mass reduces the effects of the Universe Expansion. Also your Lenco idler may be the non-metallic type that is less affected by the expansion and also immune to the eeffects of space curvature. In addition, the Lenco idler is unique in that it is at Right angles to the platter, thus it is in a different plane and dimension than the platter. A expansion of an idler in this configuartion will has no effect upon rotation speed.

Eienstein also stated that space AND time become more warped as the mass of an object increases and also as the rotation of the obect increases. This feature of Einsteins Special Theory accounts for the common observation among audiophiles that when listening to a record being played back on a turntable that has a very heavy platter of about 70 pounds, such as the Walker or the Rockport Sirius (see Michael Fremers Stereophile review)that the music seems to be playing much to slow, when in fact the RPM speed is tested to be perfect. This phono-nomenon is explained by the fact that the extra heavy and massive rotating platter creates a warpage in the fabric of the space-time continuum in the local vacinity of the heavy rotating mass. Although the listener is also in this warped time, field he (or she) will hear the sound as being to slow BECAUSE the bones of the inner ear beingnon-metallic and being the smallest bones in the body ( and shielded by the skull ) are somewhat immune to this time warpage, thus ONLY a live listener can act as a detector of the effect of time slowing in the vacinity of large rotating bodies, even though the electroninc measuring instruments show that the turntable is at accurate speed.

I bought this home-study course on TV about 20 years ago, on how to expand my JOhnSon, and thought I was really getting ripped off of the $99.95 I paid (plus tax, shipping & handling). They were basing their money-back guaranteed results on the SAME theory!
Shoot.....we don't need no herbal growth potions. All we gotta do is WAIT!

Yes, I meant "cite" not "site" -- as in "citation". Ever since the advent of web "sites" I both occasionally get "cite" and "site" confused (homonyms are so stupid, but they do enable amusement) and find myself typing so quickly, and for such trivial reasons, that I make this, and many other mistakes of a similar careless kind often, and let them through.

Hand check: how many of you early posters here really did have tongue in cheek, and how many were serious? From the OP's reply to johnnantais, I imagine he indeed was kidding, in which case my hat's off. Certainly one of the more successful, drier satyrical jibes I've come accross on this sight. I however, serious, I stand by my prior.